disappointing morning ...& Reality check

Well yesterday when I posted I had such HIGH hopes for this morning and well I guess I was just expecting too much and needed a major reality check.

Last night I went to a FA meeting (Food addicts) I had very high hope that this group would help me over time deal with my mental issues as to why I use food to cope with my everyday life. Well after I left the meeting I felt worse then when I went in there. I don't think that it was a meeting that is exactly what I am looking for. The meeting itself is based on AA meetings which I guess is fine, having never been to one I was not sure what to expect.. Anyways, they spent the first 1/2 hour talking about rules and regulations, don't use there name for anything, don't gossip, be 10 minutes early(which I thought was funny because they started late and were very unorganized) and that there was to be no eating or any drinking beverages during the meeting. After that being said everyone turned and looked at me as I had my water bottle out and was drinking out of it periodically. This kinda made me mad as I walked into the meeting (and I was actually 15 minutes early as I was unsure of where I was going and left early in case I got lost) holding the bottle and not one person said anything to me and there were no signs either because I looked after the announcement to make sure I had not missed anything. Anyways after that the lady who was running this weeks meeting (I guess it is different every time) got up and talked and I hate to say it but she just made no sense at all and really spent most of her time talking about yoga classes. After she was done there was about 25 minutes left in the meeting and they invited anyone who had been in the program for more then 90 days to come up and share there stories. Well 1 lady got up and spoke, from her I kinda figured out what the FA group is kinda about.. from what I could gather when you go to these groups you are pledging abstinence from Flour, sugar and quantity and are pledging to eat only 3 times a day anything else is considered falling off the wagon.. Each person has a sponsor and that sponsor basically gives you a call every morning to go over your food for the day and if you vary from that menu at all during the day without calling your sponsor, it is again considered falling off the wagon, you also check in with your sponsor at night with a daily report. Anyways this is all fine and probably is a really good support system except for the fact that right now I can't do that anyways as I am already not able to eat white flour, sugar or large quantities so how does that help me with the mental reasons as too why I want to use food as a coping mechanism. After this lady spoke the meeting was pretty much over and several people in the group came over to welcome me and share there stories. While all of them had good intentions and were very nice they all proceeded to tell me about how much weight they lost doing this program. That made me feel bad again as I started having those same old feelings that I had before the surgery, That maybe I could have just tried again or worked even harder to get the weight off without the surgery. I tried to explain to them all that I had just had bariatric surgery and that I was looking for a support group that could help me deal with the mental aspect of my dependence on food and from that they told me about several member who had bariatric surgery and were attending meetings because they had gained lots of their weight back.... Well you can imagine just what went thru my mind then huh.... So basically when I left the meeting I was feeling terrible about myself again and the decision I had made to have the surgery. But by the time I got home I had decided that maybe this was just not the right support group for me I still have the bariatric support group meetings to try out, I just have not been able to attend one yet as they are all at the beginning of each month and I had just had surgery at the beginning of the month so the next meeting for me to attend will be June 2nd and hopefully this one will be more along the lines of what I am looking for.

Now on to the next topic of disappointment and reality check.. I was so looking forward to weighing myself this morning I really felt like I had lost a bunch of weight, I mean how could I not I eat maybe 600 calories a day if that, drink my protein & Vitamins, drink my water and have been taking nightly walks. In my mind I had a certain number in my head which was probably a bad thing to begin with but it was not in my opinion an unrealistic number and I came up short of that number on the scale. ...But to back up a little a bit on last Weds post I told you about how much weight I had lost so far, on Friday I had weighed myself and I had lost another 3 lbs I did not mention it however because on Monday I gained that 3 lbs back and that is what started the whole weigh myself once a week thing so I would stop driving myself nuts. Well today is weigh day and I have lost a grand total of 1-lb since last Friday!!! This to me was VERY disappointing, I mean here I am eating nothing, following all the rules, and struggling with my mental state of giving up food and I lost only 1 pound this week, I mean heck before the surgery I could just take a dump and lose 1 lb.... Now for the reality check... Since April 14th(the beginning of my liquid protein diet) which is exactly 40 days.. I have lost 40lbs!!! so that means I have basically lost 1-lb a day.. Boy just writing this right now makes me feel so much better. What the heck am I complaining about!!!40lbs gone so far and 40lbs that I will never see again!! makes me feel kinda stupid for bawling like a baby this morning to my sister. I guess some things you just have to see in writing before you understand, I guess that is why this blog is such a good idea. It helps to put things in perspective.

This weekend will be a real test with everyone having all their BBQ's and good food to eat but I think I will be just fine. I am really gonna try to keep myself focused and active doing things I like to do, and of course also trying to follow my doctors orders. Which means no horseback riding, even though I am really wanting to do that but I only have a 2-1/2 more weeks so I can stick it out.

I hope all of you have a very Healthy, Happy, & Fun Memorial Day weekend.. Talk to you all next week!!!