I need a new scale

Well today is weigh day and instead of being very excited about it I was actually dreading it. I am so obsessed with losing the weight, that I know if the scale is not nice to me I will send myself into a deep depression over it but for the sake of my mental health today I am going to go with a weight loss for this week of 5lbs. I got on the scale 5 different times and got 2 saying 5 lbs, 2 saying 3 lbs and the tie breaker told me a totally different number of only 2 lbs. So I got 2- of the 5lb number first so that is what I am going with!!! And that is my final answer! But I am going to go this weekend and get me a new scale and I think I am gonna stay away from the digital kind and get the old fashion dial kind that way there is not a chance for so many different numbers to come up.

I am also happy to say that I have gone down 6.9 points on the BMI chart. For those of you who don't know Body mass index (BMI) is a measure of body fat based on height and weight that applies to both adult men and women. To calculate your BMI go to this website http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/bmicalc.htm

I still have a ways to go before being in the normal range but it will happen.

***Warning to any male readers.. Women issues to be talked about now***

I also think that right now my weight loss is kinda being impacted by hormonal changes, My sister mentioned it to me and I had not really thought about it until then but the surgery has obviously effected my menstrual cycle, while for the past week I felt very bloated, I have not yet started my cycle and in fact it is actually late. (No there is no chance I am pregnant) I have always been pretty darn regular (23-25 days) for the past several years so this is kinda unusual for me, but then again why complain as we all know what a total drag it is anyways. The bariatric clinic did say that this could happen & FYI, your menstrual cycle can actually harm you some after having bariatric surgery, because you are no longer absorbing the nutrients that you once were your cycle can really deplete your body of Iron causing anemia. This is just another one of the side effects that can happen with WLS.

Now being that I am so looking forward to losing weight and becoming a whole new me on the outside I have taken another step to sorta beatify myself. All my life I have had a facial hair issues Upper lip and chin and I am constantly waxing, shaving, plucking etc.. and never seem to be able to keep up on it and even though I don't mention it often I have always been self-conscience of it. I did some calling around and found out that laser hair removal is actually a pretty inexpensive thing to do. So I have decided to treat myself to the process so that I won't have to deal with that anymore. It is a local place and you need to have several treatments before it is gone for good but I am really looking forward to having it done. I know it seems like a small thing but as long as it makes me feel better about myself then it is worth it. I am kinda sorry that I did not look into it sooner.

Porter & I have been very religious about doing our nightly walking, last night I think was the longest walk yet. By the time I got back home even Porter had slowed down his pace and was ready to lay down. We left from my house walked down into the park, did a trail walk and walked back. I will be very excited when I can start pushing myself even more. Only 1-1/2 more weeks then I should have doctors clearance.

This weekend will be a busy one, the horse dentist is coming out to give my horses there dental check up.. (yes horses have dentists) and I also have a graduation party to go to, this party will be the first of many for this year and will be another test of how well I can do around food specially the kinda I am not supposed to eat. I know I will do well but boy it sure is tempting.

Well I hope everyone has a great weekend, don't forget to check back on Monday and don't forget to click on a few of the ads here and help me earn a few pennies for my skin removal surgery fund that I will need next year.

Till next week... Take care MEchele

1 month reflection

Last Night I was looking back at all my post for past month and it was very inspiring to me to see just how far I have already come in such a short time. When I was looking back I again realized what a great group of people you all are who are supporting me. I know not all of you post comments but I know that you are still reading and keeping me in your thoughts. I am so thankful that after looking at these post that I have had very few medical problems considering this is such a major surgery. I belong to several online groups that talk about the many problems that they have had with the surgery and I come no where close to any of those and thank god that I don't . At least not so far..knock on wood!. I know that my journey is far from over and I still have a longs way to go but so far so good.

I am also trying to be pro-active on some issues that may come up in the near future and the one that bothers me the most is the possible loss of my hair. I know that seems very vain of me but it is one of my best features and I really hate to part with it. Every day I am constantly checking to make sure that it is not starting to fall out ( this happens due to lack of Protein and usually starts between weeks 4-8) so in an effort to prevent my hair loss I am really focusing on doubling up on all my protein intake and hopefully that will keep my hair loss to a minimum because after all I want to lose weight but I don't want to lose it by my hair falling out.

Last night I pushed myself just a little bit more by taking a 1-1/2 mile(guesstimate) hike through the woods. Although I still am not able to run yet I thought that this would be a little bit more of a workout as I had more obstacles, hills and such to maneuver. It felt really great and I was tired by the time I was done I even had to take a break for a minute before leaving the park.. It felt good to work up a little sweat and look forward to being able to push myself more in the upcoming weeks. My dog Porter also went with me and enjoyed it too or maybe enjoyed it a little too much, as per usual he saw water and just had to jump in it. Good thing my truck is never clean so any more mud is usually not noticeable...lol... I will be going back tonight and doing it again but I will also remember to bring the bug spray this time. lol

Talk to you again soon Take Care, Mechele

Week 4 - One month gone already

Wow!!!! Can you believe it? One month gone already and only 2 more weeks to go on all my lifting & Exercise restrictions. I can't wait!!! I am getting very bored not being able to do even the most simplest tasks but it is almost done. Hopefully my 6 week check up will give me clear sailing .

This weekend went by pretty uneventful spent allot of time out where my brother and his wife were camping. We did a bit of fishing but mostly I just hung out and played fetch with my dog, my brothers camp site was on a little lake and Porter ( my dog) just loves to swim and fetch things in the water, so he definitely got his exercise this weekend. My neighbor was also having his annual memorial weekend party and of course told me to come on over but I did not want to put myself in that situation, I mean his parties usually involve allot of drinking & eating which are 2 things that I can't do right now so why put myself through all that torture. Sounded like they all had a great time though.

Well week 4 now brings a little bigger variety of foods to eat. I have to admit I did start trying them out a day early. I am now able to add Canned tuna fish/chicken, eggs, ground turkey or some salmon. I have so far had some ground turkey and for the most part it tasted good, I had no problems at all after eating it and even added a bit of BBQ sauce for some extra flavor. It certainly does not replace beef in the taste category but it was sure nice to have some actual meat!!! A vegetarian I am not!! I also tried to eat a scrambled egg but that was NOT something that agreed with me and for the first time since having my surgery I had to vomit. It really surprises me that I had a hard time with it, you would think of all all foods that would be the one that would be easily tolerated but I guess that is just not the case. I did talk to a couple of people who have had gastric bypass and they had the same problem so I guess it is common. Maybe I will give it another try in a couple of weeks or so but if that is one of the only foods I can't tolerate then I will be very happy!

My mental state is doing pretty good right now of course with all the changes my body is going through that could change in an instant but for today I am doing good. I am still having a very hard time with sleep though. I am exhausted by the time I go to bed but sleep does not come quick and then when it does it is for just a couple of hours, then I wake up and lie in bed watching TV trying to will sleep to come again and when it does it is usually at about 7 am when I need to get up anyways and then I end up over sleeping. I am really hoping that in time this problem irons itself out because in my opinion there is nothing worse that not being able to get a good night sleep.

My neighbor Bob next door was over on Sunday morning cutting my grass to help me out, when I walked out to thank him he said to me."WOW I can't believe how much weight you have lost in such a short time, you can really tell!" I felt so ecstatic to hear that, it was a great boost to my morale. I mean what more can a woman ask for, having someone else cut your grass and compliment you at the same time!!

Anyways, that is about it for now! I hope all of you had a very safe and fun weekend. I would love to hear what you all did so let me know.

Take care, MEchele

disappointing morning ...& Reality check

Well yesterday when I posted I had such HIGH hopes for this morning and well I guess I was just expecting too much and needed a major reality check.

Last night I went to a FA meeting (Food addicts) I had very high hope that this group would help me over time deal with my mental issues as to why I use food to cope with my everyday life. Well after I left the meeting I felt worse then when I went in there. I don't think that it was a meeting that is exactly what I am looking for. The meeting itself is based on AA meetings which I guess is fine, having never been to one I was not sure what to expect.. Anyways, they spent the first 1/2 hour talking about rules and regulations, don't use there name for anything, don't gossip, be 10 minutes early(which I thought was funny because they started late and were very unorganized) and that there was to be no eating or any drinking beverages during the meeting. After that being said everyone turned and looked at me as I had my water bottle out and was drinking out of it periodically. This kinda made me mad as I walked into the meeting (and I was actually 15 minutes early as I was unsure of where I was going and left early in case I got lost) holding the bottle and not one person said anything to me and there were no signs either because I looked after the announcement to make sure I had not missed anything. Anyways after that the lady who was running this weeks meeting (I guess it is different every time) got up and talked and I hate to say it but she just made no sense at all and really spent most of her time talking about yoga classes. After she was done there was about 25 minutes left in the meeting and they invited anyone who had been in the program for more then 90 days to come up and share there stories. Well 1 lady got up and spoke, from her I kinda figured out what the FA group is kinda about.. from what I could gather when you go to these groups you are pledging abstinence from Flour, sugar and quantity and are pledging to eat only 3 times a day anything else is considered falling off the wagon.. Each person has a sponsor and that sponsor basically gives you a call every morning to go over your food for the day and if you vary from that menu at all during the day without calling your sponsor, it is again considered falling off the wagon, you also check in with your sponsor at night with a daily report. Anyways this is all fine and probably is a really good support system except for the fact that right now I can't do that anyways as I am already not able to eat white flour, sugar or large quantities so how does that help me with the mental reasons as too why I want to use food as a coping mechanism. After this lady spoke the meeting was pretty much over and several people in the group came over to welcome me and share there stories. While all of them had good intentions and were very nice they all proceeded to tell me about how much weight they lost doing this program. That made me feel bad again as I started having those same old feelings that I had before the surgery, That maybe I could have just tried again or worked even harder to get the weight off without the surgery. I tried to explain to them all that I had just had bariatric surgery and that I was looking for a support group that could help me deal with the mental aspect of my dependence on food and from that they told me about several member who had bariatric surgery and were attending meetings because they had gained lots of their weight back.... Well you can imagine just what went thru my mind then huh.... So basically when I left the meeting I was feeling terrible about myself again and the decision I had made to have the surgery. But by the time I got home I had decided that maybe this was just not the right support group for me I still have the bariatric support group meetings to try out, I just have not been able to attend one yet as they are all at the beginning of each month and I had just had surgery at the beginning of the month so the next meeting for me to attend will be June 2nd and hopefully this one will be more along the lines of what I am looking for.

Now on to the next topic of disappointment and reality check.. I was so looking forward to weighing myself this morning I really felt like I had lost a bunch of weight, I mean how could I not I eat maybe 600 calories a day if that, drink my protein & Vitamins, drink my water and have been taking nightly walks. In my mind I had a certain number in my head which was probably a bad thing to begin with but it was not in my opinion an unrealistic number and I came up short of that number on the scale. ...But to back up a little a bit on last Weds post I told you about how much weight I had lost so far, on Friday I had weighed myself and I had lost another 3 lbs I did not mention it however because on Monday I gained that 3 lbs back and that is what started the whole weigh myself once a week thing so I would stop driving myself nuts. Well today is weigh day and I have lost a grand total of 1-lb since last Friday!!! This to me was VERY disappointing, I mean here I am eating nothing, following all the rules, and struggling with my mental state of giving up food and I lost only 1 pound this week, I mean heck before the surgery I could just take a dump and lose 1 lb.... Now for the reality check... Since April 14th(the beginning of my liquid protein diet) which is exactly 40 days.. I have lost 40lbs!!! so that means I have basically lost 1-lb a day.. Boy just writing this right now makes me feel so much better. What the heck am I complaining about!!!40lbs gone so far and 40lbs that I will never see again!! makes me feel kinda stupid for bawling like a baby this morning to my sister. I guess some things you just have to see in writing before you understand, I guess that is why this blog is such a good idea. It helps to put things in perspective.

This weekend will be a real test with everyone having all their BBQ's and good food to eat but I think I will be just fine. I am really gonna try to keep myself focused and active doing things I like to do, and of course also trying to follow my doctors orders. Which means no horseback riding, even though I am really wanting to do that but I only have a 2-1/2 more weeks so I can stick it out.

I hope all of you have a very Healthy, Happy, & Fun Memorial Day weekend.. Talk to you all next week!!!

boy I did not know

that pledging to not get on a weight scale but once a week would be so darn hard !!! HealthierChelle I don't know how you do it. I mean I literally have to fight with myself each day to not get on the scale. I would hide the darn thing but since I am the only one here to hide it that is kind of a lost cause unless I could make myself forget where it was I put it... but who knows with my mind that could happen.. lol.. But only one more day for this weeks weigh-in so I think I can make it and I think I have probably lost a few pounds as I feel like I have, hence the reason why I want on the scale so darn bad.

I am going to my first food addiction meeting tonight and am looking forward to it, I am hoping that I will be able to meet a few people who can add some insight into how to deal with the problem. I really have no idea what to expect but I am sure that whatever it is it certainly can't hurt me an anyway. I will let you all know tomorrow how it went and what I learned.

I am really having trouble with my sleeping the last few nights. I posted the other day about having trouble and thought it had to do with the fact I had not taken any pain medications but now I am just not sure. I am going to bed at night and it seems like from the waist down I hurt, my muscles, my back, my joints like I have all of a sudden developed restless leg syndrome or something.. I can't settle down and no matter what position I try to sleep in nothing helps and even though I feel extremely tired and yawn considerably, sleep does not come easy and when it does it is only for short periods of time. By 3-4am I feel like I have no choice other then to take some medicine.. I have, however, only been taking 1/2 doses or less but it sure does help, as within about 15-20 minutes the pain gets better and I am able to fall asleep for a few hours. SO I am not exactly sure what this mean and lord I sure hope that it is just a temporary thing and gets better as I get more active.

Otherwise things are still going really good. I am getting better everyday and I love my Melba toast with my 1-oz of cheese melted on top!!!lol.. such little things to make a person happy!!
I can't wait to post tomorrow as I am sure I will have some good news on the weight scale and some news as to how my first meeting goes tonight...

talk to you all soon ...

3 weeks today !!

Well everyone it has been 3 weeks today since I have had my surgery!!! I would like to say that time is flying but this past week I really can't say that. I am so looking forward to having all my restrictions lifted. I scoured my book do's & don't on bariatric surgery looking for anything that I could add at the 3 week point but found only 1 thing and that is.. drum roll here. .... I am now allowed to eat Melba Toast... lol.. I did not even know what Melba toast was, when I went to the grocery store I could not find it and it took 2 employees to figure it out also. As it turns out it is kinda like a cracker and actually pretty good tasting, of course, dirt would probably taste good to me right now..lol.. But it gives me that Crunch I am missing rather then all the mushy food I have to eat so I am not complaining..

So far I am not regretting this surgery at all, I have had only small problems directly related to the weight loss surgery itself ( mostly Gas & Constipation) and the other problems that I have had are because of the anaesthetic rather then the WLS. (weight loss surgery) My only other issue is just with my mind and my food addiction I really think that I am in "mourning" over my loss. I know, I know, it sounds stupid but I don't know of any other way to put it. Food was a very important thing in my life , it got me through good times, bad times, kept me company and never let me down and now I don't have it to turn too. My sister found a group in the paper that meets on Thursday nights about food recovery addictions and I am going to be going to my first meeting this week. I am anxious to see what it is all about and to hear other peoples stories, I am sure that I will relate in some way and hopefully get some ideas on some better ways to deal with the issue.

I have also realized something today that made me understand how easy it is for people to get addicted to things. such as alcohol, drugs etc.. Last night I had a terrible night, I was restless, agitated, could not sleep, felt like I was gonna jump out of my body and was just plain miserable. I was not sure as to why that was, but it suddenly dawned on me. I had not taken any pain medication last night. I have not taken any pain medication at all during the day now for probably the past week and even very little before that but I have been taking it before I go to bed at night as sometimes it is uncomfortable for me to sleep and well the drugs helped me sleep better ( Ultram & Lortab, Both I Believe are considered narcotics) so anyways last night I forgot to take it and it was one of the most miserable nights I have had since I got home. That just leads me to believe that even after just 2 weeks of being home I had already gotten dependant on using those drugs as an aid. Now please keep in mind I am not telling you that I am now a drug addict, just that I now see how people can become addicted to things very easily without even realizing that it is happening. I myself will not be using any more of the pain medication as sleeping aids anymore.

Anyways, this post is not meant to be downer at all because in fact I am doing really well.. Knock on wood... I am just sharing with you everything that I am learning as I go along. Every week will be getting better & better while I continue to learn more about my body and mind.

PS. Please be sure to read todays quote as I think it really can hit home with allot of people. I know it sure did with me

It's Monday

Hello ALL.... it is Monday and the weekend sure went by quick but it was a much better weekend then the past few as I was able to get out some and burn off some energy. Saturday my sister-in-law Nan came to visit and we went, along with my mom, looking for garage sales. Unfortunately, there were not too many out there this weekend and the ones that were did not seem to have anything worth while in them at all. I was very tempted to buy some smaller size clothes (size 10) at a couple of them but thought by doing that I might jinx the weight loss process. Sunday I did a bit of shopping and got a bunch of supplies for my little pool, I am so looking forward to spending those hot summer days in the water, specially with a new slimmer body. Sunday evening my mom & I went fishing in my pond out back, we had quite a bit of fun as the fish were really biting but as I was walking back to the house I managed to trip over a branch that was hidden under some high grass and of course fell forward right on my stomach. I thought my mom was gonna have a heart attack as she was so scared for me. Thankfully I did not do any serious internal damage (at least that I know of) and only pulled a muscle or two. But an interesting thing did happen when I fell. For those of you who don't know, the pond is in the back of my house in the horse pasture, when I fell my one horse Copper saw it and when I looked up he was charging across the pasture straight towards me, it was like he was coming to my rescue. He, of course, did not do anything to hurt me and once he got close to me he just stood there watching me like he was standing guard. It was something very neat to see and made me feel good, that my animals care enough to try and protect me. The other horses also came but they were further behind and all of them escorted me and mom back to the gate. Anyways I just thought that was something pretty cool to share.

new topic*** I am really trying hard not to obsess with the amount of weight I am losing or not losing at this moment. But it is extremely hard. I am so anxious to lose weight that it is hard to not jump on the scale everyday and I know that this is something that you should just NOT do as it only brings on depression or the feelings of failure specially if you have not lost any weight. Right now I am still only down my 36 lbs since last week. I am making a pledge now that I will only weigh myself on Fridays of each week. I figure this way I have a better chance of seeing results rather then getting upset over fluctuating scales daily. My mom keeps yelling at me about getting on the scale so she will be very happy to hear that I am making this pledge.

And speaking of mom.. She has left me this morning and I am now on my own. It was very nice having my mom around to help me and I was sad to see her go, not only was she good company for me but she really made sure that I followed the rules, specially when it comes to taking my medicine and not lifting or doing anything I was not supposed to. Before she left she gave me a good lecture about not lifting and following the rules, so I guess I better do what mom says...lol

Well I hope everyone is doing well and had a great weekend. Talk to you more later

New Goal

To help me with my food addiction I have decided that I need to focus on other things.. duh, like that is not an obvious solution. But the real question is what am I gonna focus on. My cousin, who has a blog also, is big into running (Please check out her blog listed below- healthierChelle) she has set a challenge for whoever wants to participate in a 5k walk/run race July 12th. I am happy to say that I am officially a registered walker/runner. My training will begin slow as I am not supposed overdue anything for another 4 weeks but I have started taking walks down the road every night this week with my dog Porter.. (I figure he needs to shape up also) just short and slow walks as that is all my stomach can handle right now but walking none the less. I figure as time goes on I will gradually increase the length and speed of my walk and hopefully by race day I will be able to at least finish the race without dying...lol.. This will be a definite step in the right direction specially if you compare it to where I was physically last year. I would like to invite any of you reading to participate also. My cousin Michelle is leading this charge and she is a born motivator !!! Here is the link to sign up for any of you who are interested in registering http://www.flintjournal.com/race/

Now on to other things . Physically I am doing quite well. Have had some mystery pain last night into the morning but that seems to be going away so I will not worry about it. I am getting a little stir crazy not being able to do anything but this is only temporary, tonight my mother and I are going to dinner at my sister. Me, I am pretty much going for the company as we all know my food choices are limited. But as far as food goes I am now trying out a few new things. Pretty much one/two new things every few days. Last night I tried 2 oz of mashed up sweet potatoes and about 1/2 an ounce of low fat cheese.. the cheese must be chewed very well but Boy those sure tasted like heaven. Pretty funny when less then a month ago my idea of food heaven was a variety of Chinese food and a big ole Halo burger with cheese & olives.. That of course is my old life and this is my new.

It is also very surprising to me just how well I am feeling because when you think about it I am really not eating enough to keep a person alive. For example my menu yesterday was as follows.

Breakfast - 1 cup of high protein Hot chocolate with some high protein lactaid
Lunch - 3 Ritz crackers (2 with some very mushy egg salad on it, the other with Hummus
Dinner - 2 oz of mashed sweet potatoes, 1/2 oz of low fat cheese.

Keep in mind I also take crushed up vitamins and calcium pills throughout the day along with drinking plenty of protein flavored water. This is what I think keeps me going so it has really made me realize just how important vitamins are to your body. So maybe if you are not taking daily vitamins you might want to start, of course I am not a doctor so you might want to consult yours before hand.

Well anyhoo that is about it for today, I hope everyone is doing well and as always thank you for your continued support !!!!

I bet you all are wondering why

I have not posted about my starting weight.. At least this is something that has been on my mind for quite a while so I thought today would be a good day to talk about it. Any of you who are overweight can probably understand the embarrassment of revealing your actual weight. I am certainly one of those people, my weight to me is a source of constant shame even when I have lost weight in the past I kept my mouth shut on what my actual weight was because usually I was still fat even after losing weight.. For example: 2 years ago I dropped 80lbs yet was still very heavy. There was no way in the world I was gonna make it public knowledge that even after dropping that much weight I was still so much heavier then most everyone around me, not to mention giving my past history of gaining weight back people would for sure know what kinda cow I was.

There are a few people out there that I have told my weight secret to, and for the most part I am pretty sure people can guess just how much I do weigh but for now I am just not ready to share my secret with everyone. This is one of many mental issues that I must deal with in the near future. However, I am willing to make the pledge that on the day the scale shows me I lost 100lbs I will no longer keep my secret. As of this morning I am happy to say I am 1/3 of the way to that 100lb mark. I am down 36 lbs so far from the day I came home from the hospital. But keep in mind I had lost 23 lbs before the surgery on the liquid protein diet but my hospital stay made me gain it all back with water retention. Since leaving the hospital I lost all that again plus an additional 13 lbs. I am told that the weight will come off dramatically the first 6 months to a year and then the weight loss will taper off and stabilize. So we will wait and see what happens.

I am doing much better today and really trying hard to keep my mind occupied with good thoughts. I kinda figure out that I am basically having food withdrawals. Like any addict does when they are not able to get a fix.. and lets face it I am a food addict. I use food like a drug for instant but temporary gratification. Since the surgery I have really been able to see just how much I used food to make me happy. Having this surgery has really opened my eyes and shown me just exactly how bad the problem was/is, the surgery of course has forced me to give up my addiction. Now I just have to really concentrate hard and work at retraining my thought process towards food. I am confident that in time it will get easier & easier.

Here is something for all of you to try and show your support for me .. Give up something you are addicted to for just one day. For example; if you drink soda everyday, give it up for one day. If you eat every night in front of the TV, give it up for a night, if you smoke give it up for a day. By doing this you can experience some of what I am dealing with just now and who knows maybe the one day might lead into something more for you and help you break an unhealthy addiction..

I would love to hear what you plan on giving up so leave me a post and let me know how it goes.

My first outing & 2 week post surgery

Well I went on my first outing Sunday and boy talk about facing all your demons at once. Here I am at a casino with 3 other people and can't smoke, drink or EAT !!!! and believe me all those temptations were around but I am rather proud of myself and was able to deal with it without problems. But to back up a bit, me & my sister took my mom and her mother-in-law for an overnight trip to Mt. Pleasant Casino, there we took in the Bobbie Vinton Concert at spent the night at the hotel. The concert was at 4 and afterward we were going out to dinner. There, of course, was not a whole lot to choose from at the casino to eat at and even less for me to choose from as I am limited to what I can eat. So here we are at one of the best all-you-can-eat buffets around and I am eating nothing but mashed potatoes, soup broth and some asparagus. ( I have now graduated to the next food level and can eat some veggies as long as they are very soft) Surprisingly enough I did very well and was not as tempted as I thought I would be. Since I have to eat very slow it allows me the time to savor the flavor of everything I can eat. Although a little while later my gut was not savoring the flavor so much and must have decided that it did not like the asparagus that I ate. So I pretty much ended up spending the evening in the hotel room but that was OK as I am a survivor junkie and wanted to watch the season finale anyways. Monday when we got home I was exhausted for some reason. I laid down on my bed at 5 pm and never got up till this morning at 730am. So even though I was/am going stir crazy being in the house all day my body is still not at 100% yet, but I am sure as time goes on it will be OK.

I think I also am getting a little depressed, I can't really say why that is other then maybe not being able to do anything or maybe that it is my hormones acting crazy since my body is going through so many adjustments but I seem to be feeling kinda down or ho-hum feeling,and not really wanting to talk to anyone..(so if you have called please don't take it personally if I have not called you back, I will soon, I promise) Since I already am on Drugs for depression I think that it may just be a temporary thing and maybe finding something fun that I can do without being to strenuous will help me out.. Anyone have any suggestions???there are only so many books to read and TV shows to watch!

I have started back to work today(mortgages that I work out of my home at and can take a break if needed) and am trying to focus on that some to help get my spirits and motivations going. ****shameless plug here....but if anyone needs help or advice on a mortgage I am here just let me know, it is a buyers market now and if you are on an ARM you may want to consider a refinance*** I also have another part time other job right now too but the doctor thinks I should wait one more week before attempting that one as my lungs are still not working right and I get breathless easily.


Sorry for the downer post today but with most things in life it can't always be roses and I said I was gonna be honest about everything .


Quote of the day

Don't let life discourage you: everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was. -Richard L. Evans-

the days are getting better

Hello all. I know it has been a couple of days since my last post. It is kinda hard to post everyday when I am not doing anything other then resting and taking it easy till I heal up a little further. But I did have a kinda busy today and let me tell you I am tired but it is a good kinda tired. It amazes me that a few days of being down can take so much out of a person.

But anyways, my mom left me yesterday to go home and take care of some of her personal business but she will be back tomorrow. Here I am 37 years old and I want my mommy!!!!lol.. Sounds crazy but it is nice to have your mother take care of you for a time.. She has been the best, making sure I take my medicine, cleaning the house and even tucking me in at night making sure I have all the pillows placed just right.. ( It is still hard to sleep for me so I need to be propped up) it has been a real comfort knowing that someone is here in case anything happens, not that I think anything will happen but it is a comfort to me knowing she is here. So this morning I was on my own to make sure I did everything right!.

I had another doctors appt today as a follow up and things are still going good. I did have to have another Chest x-ray done as my breathing is still bad. The x-ray did show that some areas of my lungs were still not inflated enough (for lack of proper medical term) but I guess time will solve the problem, they did send the X-ray out for further review and may want me to have some other test next week but no use worrying about something until you have to. Otherwise, things are going good.

After the doctor, I went to the store and got some more prescriptions.. Geeze, I am on more drugs now then I ever was as a fat person. But thankfully this is all temporary and within a couple of months they should all be gone! I also went and did a little Mother's Day shopping, when I finally got home I was tired and ready to take some pain medicine but this is just another first step to normalcy, if there is such a thing. One day at a time, one thing at a time! Oh and here is a real milestone, I was able to smash up a tablespoon of egg salad today (boy did that taste good) and I had no problems eating it all.

Tonight my sister & her husband had to come over and take care of my horses for me. I was running low on food so I had to go to the grain store and pick up some more. It is so hard for me to have to stand back and watch other people do what I usually do and it has only been a week. The doctors are very adamant about making sure that I lift nothing over 5 lbs for 6 weeks. Heck it seems like everything weighs over 5 lbs including my purse. I feel so very helpless and that is something that is already driving me nuts, I hate asking for help yet I am forced to do so. I don't quite know how I am gonna be able to handle the next weeks, specially when I am feeling even better. I need to learn that it is OK to ask for help and realize that people who help you out are doing so because they want to and not because they have to. ..... and this leads me to the quote of the day
"It takes courage to ask for help and courage to give help when asked" Author unknown

PS I uploaded some more pictures in my photo album for you to check out.***. WARNING..*** I am not pretty in any of them!

Stand BACK ...My belly is gonna BLOW!!!!!

Well Another couple days gone and one step further in my journey. I keep thinking everyday will get just a little bit better. However, today was not one of those days!!! I am sooooooooo full a gas that my belly looks like I am gonna pop out a 12 year old kid!.. I was joking around and said that I could be a suicide bomber without having to use the aid of an actual bomb, just poke my belly and I will probably take out a full city block..lol ... Hey I told you that this was gonna be an honest blog and I was gonna write about everything.

Anyways, I went to the bariatric Clinic today for a post op check and things are going very well. I got all of my stitches and staples out so that gives me a little relief and I met with the dietitian. The dietitian said that I was doing everything as I should be, which for me is something to be very proud of, I am not normally one of those people who ever listens to what the doctors say but when I decided to have this surgery I told myself I had to be committed to doing everything by the book, and I am. The dietician gave me a new menu plan and in a couple of days I will be able to add new things to my diet. Right now I am only allowed liquids, or very soft foods such as cottage cheese or yogurt and only 1-2 oz at a time but in a few days I can graduate to some Applesauce, 1 cracker, mashed potatoes or mushy vegtables. I know it sounds like barely anything and by my old standards it is barely anything but it does fill me up as my stomach is now only about the size of a grape.

Afterwards I had to go to the super walmart to get a prescription and walked around the store. BOY all the food temptations that are there, however, I was very surprised at how very few of them effected me. I really have no appetite for anything right now and have to be reminded to eat as it is. The only thing that I would have loved to sample some of was the ice cream, I am a sucker for ice cream!! but for now I must be happy with the Sugar free Popsicles that I am allowed and in time with moderation I will be able to eat more but the difference will be that I will eat to live rather then live to eat!!

Also, now that I have been home I have been able to re-read some emails , cards and comments that I received while I was in the hospital. Re-reading these while I am not on drugs makes it much easier to comprehend..lol.. Many people wrote to me about having the courage to do this surgery and to make this change in my life. I got to thinking though, that everyone needs courage, everyday in their life and not just when you are under stress or have something life changing going on, so I thought it would be a great idea to share a quote on courage with you every time I blog, maybe they will give you some daily inspirations or just a thought to ponder.


Today's Quote of the Day by one of my favorite people..


"Courage is being scared to death - and saddling up anyway." - John Wayne

Home... My Next Steps..

Hello Everyone, I am so sorry I have been delayed in my post so many things have happened and boy I can't believe that the time has flown by.. It sure seemed like a snails pace waiting for the surgery day to arrive and now here it is 6 days later. Soooo let me bring you all up to speed!!

The day of surgery arrived with quite a bit of anxiousness on my part. I tried very hard to keep it in check but well that went to the way side a few times, but I do have to say I did manage to keep it under control for the most part. I had to be at the hospital by 515am on Tuesday morning my poor mom & sister sure had a long day of waiting! Anyways I started out the morning by taking my day of surgery "Before" pictures. At the hospital I was brought in, given one of those very stylish gowns, pee'd in a cup, weighed ( at my request) and started my IV. In case I did not mention before - 2 weeks prior to surgery you are required to be on a high protein liquid diet, the purpose of this diet is to shrink your liver so that it allows the laproscopic tools easier access to where they need to be. This diet was EXTREMELY hard to stick to but I managed with very few exceptions and lost 23lbs prior to my surgery day, hence the reason I requested to be weighed. Anyways the hospital staff were very friendly and things were done in a very prompt manner. At 730am I was rolled into the Surgery room. I remember, of course, the room being completely white, & sterile along with several big trays filled with surgical tools. I even made mention about all those tools being needed for just ME??? The biggest thing that surprised me the most was that when I was to get on the surgical table I had to make sure I had my feet flat against a bottom shelf, I asked about this and they said that this was when they tilted the table and stood me up.. I had about 30 seconds to wonder about that and make my last minute comments about them not telling any fat jokes during my surgery and it was lights out!!!!
Hours later or what seemed like minutes to me I remember being in my hospital room with what seemed like swarms of people around me. I had an oxygen mask on and people yelling at me to wake up and to stay awake. I was having allot of trouble with the anesthetic, my blood pressure was dropping to dangerously low levels and I was have breathing issues. The morphine pump for pain that was given to me had to be taken away ( I was robbed..lol) because that was also causing my low blood pressure. I remember my sister & my Mom tag teaming me, standing on each side of me, tapping me on the hand, arm or whatever every time I dozed off to wake me up. I remember thinking to myself that they were very annoying and I wanted to slap them back but was unable to do anything more then think about it. In retrospect of course, they were doing what was necessary to keep me or try to keep me awake. I also remember the PA telling me that they were gonna have to put in a breathing tube if I did not get better soon.

The pain itself was very intense, I always have thought that I have a very high pain tolerance and to be honest I really had no thoughts at all prior to the surgery about how much pain would be involved. I guess, I blocked that part out, I mean I know that it was not gonna be a pain free but I did not expect what I was feeling. I guess I had just heard laproscopic RNY was so much easier then the open I was expecting things to be a little less then what was. Anyways, I remember blurting out that no one told me it was gonna hurt so much !! Of course, even if I had been told it would have made no difference I would have still had the surgery.

The next morning ( Day 2) I was doing better, by then I had gotten most of the anesthetic out of my system, they found a pain medicine that was working and had me up doing some walking. Walking is one of the best things you can do for yourself after surgery, it does wonders. I still had a tube down my nose into my stomach for drainage ( very Uncomfortable) a tube out my side for drainage and the catheter keeping my bladder empty. Earlier in the morning I did have the nose tube removed and went to have my upper GI to make sure that all holes inside were sealed up tight. I passed that test and was given the go ahead to be able to at least drink liquids. The PA - Nancy came in to check on me and said I was doing much better then the night before, she still had some concerns specifically about my breathing but things were looking up. I was being given Breathing treatments on a regular basis ( Every 4 hours on the dot) and yet I was still having shortness of breath. They also felt that my urine out put was not right either so they decided to piggy back my IV's and get things flowing. Needless to say all that did was increase the amount of water I retained. I hope that I am not the only person to ever go into the hospital for bariatric surgery to lose weight and came out gaining 25lbs.. No joke either, that is what happened.

Day 3 started out better, they removed my catheter so that made me more comfortable, my out take started to increase so everyone was much happier about that. However my breathing was still given me difficulties, they changed my breathing treatments, had me go for a vascular ultra sound to make sure there was no blood clots and checked my blood gases or whatever they call that. It is when they take blood from the main artery in your body to get better O2 readings. ( They ended up doing this 3 times) and chest xrays to once again make sure that they were on the correct road to getting my breathing problems under control. Everything turned out fine and they realized that my breathing issues had to do with the smaller vessels in the lungs not opening up correctly or quick enough I think after having the anesthetic. They continued the same treatment course and by Friday I was well enough to come home .

Friday day 4 - I woke up feeling noticeably better and was ready to go home. I still had tons of stomach bloat and gas and you can see by the pictures that I looked like I was pregnant with a baby elephant but my breathing was better, the pain under control and I was doing well. I was moved up to the 2nd level of of the bariatric diet and all was going well. So by Friday afternoon my sister came and got me and I was on my way home.

I would like to say that the staff at Hurley Hospital was great!! DR. Farhan did an excellent job, the nurses really seemed to care and the PA Nancy was an absolute godsend. She was excellent at her job and made you feel like you were her only patient. She was wonderful in all aspects and I think went above and beyond her call of duty. She answered all your questions and also consoled you when you were having that "Why did I do this to myself moments" Which I admit I did have One of those moments, I think it was day 2.

The rest of the weekend I just spent at home trying to get my wits together and getting a routine going. There is a bunch of stuff that you have to try and get in through the day. All your medicine, vitamins, proteins, and the water. It can all be every overwhelming but I understand that I must just take one day at a time and try to get as much in as I can. Sleeping has been something of a chore, laying down flat on my back is very hard to so I am forced to try and find comfortable positions with pillows used as props here and there. I have 6 incisions that average about 1" each at different places in my abdomen 2 on each side, and 1 on the top and bottom areas of my abdomen. These incisions make any sleeping on my sides impossible for now but the pain is getting much better. I am slightly concerned about 1 of the incisions as it burns quite a bit and developed a kind of hardness underneath. I have called the clinic about it but have not heard anything back yet. My only other major complaint it still my stomach bloating. I still feel like I am very pregnant and can't wait for what I assume is gas to go away. Once I think my stomach goes down I will start feeling much better or at least feel like I will begin making headway on my weight loss journey. The one thing that does also really surprise me is how normal my insides do feel. I am not sure exactly what I was expecting but I thought things would feel much different inside, like when I ate or swallowed but mostly it feels just like it did before surgery with the exception of not being hungry. So I guess that is a very good thing.

In closing, I would like to Thank everyone for all the well wishes and emails without all of your support going through this by myself would be very hard. The hospital told me I was a very popular and lucky person to have so many people who cared and I agreed whole heartily. I would also say a special Thanks to everyone who has helped me out. Rich & Wayne for taking such good care of my horses, Dawn for looking in on Porter, my brother & sister in law who help with my outside work at home this weekend, my mother who is taking such good care of me and keeping me on my toes, my sister Rena' who has spent hours running around for me and covering with the extra burdens at work and so on.. I hope I did not leave anything out as if I did it is not intentional.

Till next time.. Take care.. Michele.

Goal -- Help me reach mine. I need to walk and walk and walk some more. So everyone take a few extra steps over the next few days in support of me. It won't hurt you and will help motivate me along.