100th Post !!

Well I know I have not posted in awhile and yes I should have .. Kinda like you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.. But this is my 100th post and I feel like I should maybe post something special.. So I am gonna do the top 10 good things that have changed in my life since the surgery.. In no specific order.

10) I can now wipe my ass with no problems !!! lol
9) I can now squat down and get up without having to grab things for help or have my knees scream at me in pain
8) My energy level and ability to do things has greatly improved. My feet no longer kill me after walking short distances
7) I have started dating again
6) I have started thinking of myself as a normal looking person and not embarrassed when I go to public places and that my socializing or general interaction with people has improved
5) I can ride my horses with ease and not worry about people looking at me funny and wondering whether or not the horse is smaller then me.
4) my body mass index has gone form 53.1 to 34
3) I have gone from a size 28 to a size 16
2) My overall health has improved, no more aches and pains, no more type 2 diabetes
and the #1
I JUST FEEL GREAT about my progress ( with the exception of the depression, which is getting better)

Bonus Good thing... I am a pretty cheap drunk nowadays....lol

So how was everyone's holiday. Mine was quite well actually. I really feel like I did well on the food thing. I did not overdue it by any means and went through the whole holiday season so far and did not even cheat once on the sugar thing.. I ate no cookies, no candy, no nothing with sugar.. That is very impressive if I do say so myself... and something that I am proud of.

I also went and did a little clothes shopping this weekend. I still have to go to the bigger sections in some stuff but it is getting better every time. I did however venture into a normal size clothing store. Which probably was a mistake specially when it was one of those trendy places. They of course did not have anything pant wise in my size but I did try on some shirts. They did not fit ( they only went to a size large I am an XL) but they were not too far off so I am getting very close and that makes me feel good. Maybe another 20 lbs and some more exercise and I should be good to go. And speaking of exercise. My last post I vowed I was going that day to join the local gym and I did do it and I did work out.. the only problem.. That is the only time I have gone since.. I am BAD!!!! I really need to get it in gear.. I was going to go today but the weather is terrible and the wind is very bad. I had a tree come down and of course it crashed right through my fence, so I have been out all afternoon with the chainsaw cutting it up and moving it as well as I had to repair the fence as my horses would have been all over the neighborhood if I did not get it done and I have no time this week to do it.

And why do I not have anytime this week. Well thanks to my cousins I will be flying out to Nashville on NYE (weds) and spending the weekend with them I am really looking forward to having some fun and who knows maybe I will meet some cute rednecks.. I am also really excited because for the 1st time in a long time I am gonna fly on an airplane and I am NOT stressed out about the seats and the seat belts fitting, nor will I have to ask for an extender... that is a big relief to me as well as not having the embarrassment.

Now on to the love life.. It definitely hit a slow spot but then again I was not really all to into either. But I did go out with a new guy last night. Things went well, we just met for drinks and it was an early night as he had to work but he has called me today already so I guess I did not scare him off too much. I am also supposed to go out with another guy tonight maybe but we will see if that pans out .. if not tonight though I am sure we will go out another night. But I am just gonna chill out on it and what happens, happens i am just not gonna stress over it..

Well I guess that is all for now.

Think thin Talk to you later


How was everyones Christas

Good Intentions Part 2

Well as I am sure you can remember back awhile ago I did a good intentions post.. Well guess what? That post while it was a good intention, Did not do much for me...lol.. I still have the same issues.. I wake up every morning, I have good intentions as to what I want to do but as the day wears on things go to the way side as I get side tracked very easily. Maybe I just have adult A.D.D.. who knows. So once again I am gonna try to work on this. I would rather start now and call this a jump start on my new years resolution that way I may actually do it because as we all know those resolutions start with a bang but then fizzle really fast. I am gonna try to accomplish one small thing everyday that is above and beyond what I have to do anyways I am gonna try and post my intention every morning and if the next day I tell you that I did not do it then you all must jump all over my ass about it.

Today's good intention is that I MUST get my butt over to the local gym and Sign up for 1 month of gym time.. A work out is a must today and hopefully at least 4x a week after that. My skin is getting rather flabby and I think is creating the massive illusion that I am still covered in fat.. I mean when I get into the bathtub I wonder which has more waves, the water or my lose skin..lol.. Anyways this is something I have said for ages now and this is the day I am gonna do it.. I really am wanting to get these last pounds off my body that 199 by 2009 is really sticking in my head. ( Although you would not guess that by how much I ate this week so far)

Also, I think my dating days are done for now. I have talked to a few people but nothing has excited me. The guys I would like to talk to want nothing to do with me and the one I don't want, Who are probably all the desperate ones that think the might have a shot with me, are the ones who are the persistent ones that do not go away.. even after I tell them I am not interested. I just give up and figure that I need to chill out for awhile and maybe try again at 199.. or maybe I am just too friggin picky.. But that is something I will just ponder another day ..

Well that is all she wrote for today.. Talk to you later

Think Thin

weigh day week 29

Well a good news post today.. really shocked me actually as I have not been eating very healthy the past week and I expected to probably gain some weight or at the most just not lose anything.. But to my surprise.

This weeks weight loss -5 lbs
Total weight loss to date -121 lbs..

Not bad, not bad at all..

what do you think the chances are that I can lose 19 lbs by New Years Eve? That would pretty much be a pound a day which I am thinking is not going to happen but boy would I be geeked if it did... Man would that not be sweet..199 in 2009.. So I am gonna try .. I have nothing better to do with my time right now anyways so I might as well put all my efforts into losing the poundage. I just need to totally focus on protein, protein, protein.. the more protein, the more weight I should lose. maybe do a day on nothing but protein shakes and then a day off for normal foods.. Any bet takers here.. Money always motivates me...lol ..

Well have a good weekend everyone..

Think Thin!!!

Hmmmmmm

What to write about...I am just not sure anymore.. I hate talking about my depression which I am still suffering from with a vengeance.. Some time I feel like it may be getting better but then something happens that sets me off again and tears start to flow and they don't stop like tonight for instance.. the tears are flowing like the Niagara falls. But I have decided after this post that I am no longer gonna talk about it..for reason within myself that I am not gonna share. Tomorrow morning I am gonna get on the horn and get me some drugs or whatever I need, no matter what the costs because I obviously am not able to deal with my issue myself.

I did go to my support group meeting the other night and it was very nice.. It was a much smaller group of people and you basically just did a round table talk about anything and everything. I did discuss my depression with them and they all were very supportive. I will continue with going to this meeting as it was very nice to meet people in a smaller group who have been there and done that.. It was comforting to talk to people about the surgery and the expectations of what you had before surgery and the reality of what really happens after the surgery.. The reality is the surgery drops weight but no matter how many people in the past who have said, " if only you would lose a few pounds"..... it doesn't drop the weight that you have carrying on shoulders and on your mind.. That is a much deeper issue and needs a totally different fix. Which I knew but I guess I did not know just how much until recently..and I pretty much hold everything in and not talk about things.

and gee to make a person feel even better about themselves I was online looking at the profiles of different men tonight.. On this site that I belong to whenever you look at someone it will tell that person that you looked, you then have the option of contacting them or not. Well I looked at this guy and decided he would not someone I would be interested in and moved on..no harm no Foul, so I thought.. I mean I did not contact him so I was not interested.. Would you believe the jerk emailed me and said " thanks but I am not interested in BIG women" Boy I wanted to email him back a piece of my mind but I just left it alone.. But it really kinda hurt, I know it should not matter as he is no one to me but because of my fragile mental state I am taking thing way more personal then I probably should... I mean here after I have lost 116lbs I am still BIG.. Boy if he would have seen me before.. And as you have probably guessed because I have not spoke of Jerry at all.. he has dumped me, after seeing him the last time and listening to all his sweet words to me, etc, etc... he apparently changed his mind within hours and I have not heard from him.. Another blow.. as I really liked him.. It, of course, has me questioning myself and what is wrong with me.. But as My cousin Michelle pointed out. I should not question what is wrong with me and question what is wrong with him..and for that matter what is wrong with any other man who treats women like that.. But I have to tell you I just don't get it..I don't understand how men can act one way, say things and then instantaneously change their mind. But I guess I need to just get past it, but being that mind is so screwed up right now it is hard to NOT dwell on it. And that I guess is all I have to say about that!!

Well I guess I am gonna stop writing now because the way I feeling I could just doom and gloom all night long and well I am guessing that no one wants to hear it anymore. So the next post will be strictly positive no matter how I feel...Maybe if I write positive I will think positive..

well the weekend was uneventfully. I am still stuck in a bad way right now.. Saturday I was coping ok but here today Sunday night I have spent most of the day crying.. I did not really get off the couch much which of course is the worst thing.. I kept telling myself to get up and clean or do something but the motivation was just not there. I hate this feeling and am not doing a very good job shaking it off. But Monday is a new day an I swear to myself that I WILL get it together. I did find a bariatric support group meeting that I am gonna go to Monday night and hopefully that will help. I have ate crappy food all weekend and of course that is not making me feel all great either. I swear that tomorrow I will get it together specially in the food department I need to crack down and get over this little plateau of no real weight loss to speak of. I have the last 25lbs to lose, 50lbs if I am really lucky and I will be done. It is the bright spot of my life to have lost 3/4 of the weight that I need to lose and if you look at the big picture of that, I am sooooo close.. now if I could get the other parts of my life to be bright spots.. It is very sad for me to be feeling this way.. I guess maybe it has to do with the holidays coming up, I know many people struggle or maybe it is winter blues.. I don't know but I need to find out. I feel like a big loser going through all this and specially talking about it. I know people are getting very tired of hearing me whine all the time and well quite frankly I am getting tired of hearing me whine all the time too..but I guess not tired enough.. I did try to get my prescription for Anti-depressants filled but the prescription expired so I guess the only way to get more would be to go to the doctors, which as I said before I don't have the money right now to do that. My mind is such a jumbled mess.. It never stops thinking about everything and anything and mostly bad or sad things.

well I guess I probably have said to much as it is, you people are probably starting to think I am a huge nuts case, and you might be right. I need to toughen up quick..

A poem I found

Slowly drowning in my sorrow
Wishing things would be better tomorrow
Feeling like I am in an ocean of doubt and despair,
gradually sinking and gasping for air.
Knowing life is not a light switch you can flip on and off
Simply settling and accepting I have to carry on.
Trying to keep my sanity and composure intact
out of fear of how those close to me, might react.
Fears of inadequacy as a human, as a woman, burry themselves deep in my head
As I make a foolish attempt to have a good night's rest in my lumpy bed.
Due to the fact that there are others out there ten times better than I,
makes me afraid and let out defeated sighs.
Since it seems like things will always be this way,
its frustrating because I have to go through it day after day.
Yet, when my quandaries are more than I can bare,
I can at least take comfort in those who really care.
You know who you are, and so do I.
That knowledge keeps me from going over the edge, from giving up and giving in.

Depression

I have suffered with it on & off most of my life I think.. And I guess now is just no exception. I guess that is also why I have been pretty lax on my postings lately too. Just have not had the heart or ambition to write much about anything.. It has been coming on for awhile now and I have tried to fight it off but lately it has been winning the battle. I seriously am pretty much hating my life... no joke.. I really thought losing weight was gonna help me out and in many ways it really has yet in many ways my mind is still as fucked up as ever if not more in some areas.. I feel beat up, put down, let down, looked down upon, etc. etc. etc.. Nothing is ever right, nothing is ever good enough and certainly nothing ever can be simple..I have spent the last few days crying in silence and alone with the exception of yesterday, yesterday it became to much and I could not keep in under control until I got the help of Xanax. It is enough to make a person insane which is something I think I may be very close too.. well probably not but it sure seems that way. I really thought things would be a bit different by now.. including my love life.. I know things like that don;t happen over night but you know what.. I have been single my whole life, I watch people get married divorced and married again and yet here we go another holiday season and I am once again alone... Jerry whom I do really like, has is own issues right now So at this moment I am gonna back way off on that .. while I will continue to talk with him and see him once in awhile I think he needs to clear his own head and well I don't need his problems at the moment either. I really am just sick to death of being by myself all the time.. Sure I have friends, I have relatives but it is just not the same and I always end up being a 3rd wheel. and please no one tell me about it will happen someday, Mr right is out there because I just don't want to hear it..I have been patient and well I guess my patience has pretty much begun to run out and I am not just talking about the last few months I am talking about since friggin puberty..

What else can I rant about.. Lets talk about the economy, It friggin sucks. I am stressed to the max every month for bills and how to keep things paid, I really spend no money on myself as I really have none to spare for that. including the fact that I have very few clothes that fit (which is a good thing) but bad because wearing clothes that hang off you is not pleasing to the eye either. My hunting trips thank god cost me pretty much nothing as I went with others and the trips are probably what kept me from going off the deep end sooner.. lol

Even my animals have been giving me issues.. The friggin cat has all of a sudden decided that it doesn't want to use its liter box and has decided to piss on every friggin throw rug or loose clothing article, shoe or whatever that it finds on the floor. I have had to clean up that mess and smell which of course does not make me happy. I have now locked it in a large metal crate with its toys, litter box and bed to re-train her.. if that does not work then well.... anyone want a cat???because she will have to go.. or be the outside barn cat that she was supposed to be to begin with.

and well let see what else.. Oh today is weight day !!

I gained 1.5lbs.. But you know what that really does not bother me much at all. It will come off and if you have not guessed by now I am PMS'ing..

So I guess I am going to have to see about getting my Prozac refilled but who has money to go to the doctors for that.. and I am just gonna have to make more of an effort to pull myself up.. I have done it before and I will do it again.. I think I am gonna take $25.00 and spend it on myself and join the local gym.. I really need to go and maybe I can work off my frustrations. Also, my sister pointed out that maybe in the mornings I can focus more on hair and makeup (she mentioned clothes too but there really is not much I can do about that I do lurk at the resale shops but never seem to have too much luck..) Maybe fixing my hair better will give me a boost.

I guess I am done ranting for now. Sorry I am such a nut case..

It will get better..

HOLY SNOW!!!!

Boy was it nasty out last night and today. We are really getting dumped on. Last night when I left up- North it took me almost 5-1/2 hours to drive home.. This is normally a 2-1/2-3 hour trip. So I was pretty white knuckled and snow blind by the time I got home. Thank god for 4-wheel drive..lol..

Well the weekend was pretty good, nothing extremely out of the ordinary happened but I just so love it up-north.. I hate to leave whenever I go up there. I did manage to take a small doe Saturday night (Sorry Alan.. Bambi did not live) so there will be some meat in the freezer this winter. The only real bummer part of the weekend was that I did Not get to spend to much time with Jerry he was pretty sick and then had to work some crazy hours, so I only ended up spending about 5-6 hours with him yesterday. I actually was thinking that I was getting blown off or dumped but that I guess was just my brain working overtime and me just learning about his personality and him about mine. The time we did spend together was very nice, I actually went out hunting with him on his property last night and watched him take a very nice Spike horn.. Gee kinda funny when you think about it, most new couple go to movies and dinner.. We go to the woods, watch nature and shoot dinner...lol.. Well anyways, I am OK with how things are progressing, I think now I have actually know him for one month. But I guess the real test will be when hunting season is over and I am no longer going up-north that much.. But for now I still have December bow hunting and muzzle loading yet.

Now on to weight stuff.. Since I missed weigh in on Friday I weighed in this morning

weight loss -1 lb
total weight loss - 118lbs..

I had a very eye opening experiences this past weekend that really I think put the fire in me.. I have been very lax about my vitamins and proteins again and over the weekend I noticed how it is really effecting me. Specially when it comes to my strength .. I have always been a pretty strong person and I know allot of that had to do with 118lbs worth of extra leverage but I know that just because I lost that doesn't mean I should be as weak as I am... For instance, I went and picked up a round bale of hay for my horses to eat all weekend. I have done this hundreds of times. I put the bale in my truck, drive it to the field and push it out.. I could NOT for the life of me get that bale out of my truck. I pushed, I pulled, I lifted and it was just not happening after about 45 mins I was worn out and had to resort to asking a neighbor to help. Also, I went out to help my brother cut wood.. I could NOT lift what I normally would have had no problem doing, I had to take smaller loads and smaller pieces and was just plan ole worn out in a matter of minutes. I am 100% positive this has to do with my lack of protein and that my body is probably literally eating my muscles to get the protein that is needed.. So the moral of this story is that I need to get my ass in gear and get back to doing what I am supposed to be doing. I hate feeling like a weakling, being able to be strong and being able to do the Physical work that I used to do is something that I did take pride in.. It was something that I could do better then most women and to me that was very important.. As I might not have the looks, or as much brain smarts but I could certainly physically out work most women and too me that was my little edge. I know , I know, a little therapy needed on this issues but hey there could be worse things.

Well I guess I rambled on enough for today..

I hope all of you had a very good holiday weekend.

Take care, MEchele