Hmmmmmm

What to write about...I am just not sure anymore.. I hate talking about my depression which I am still suffering from with a vengeance.. Some time I feel like it may be getting better but then something happens that sets me off again and tears start to flow and they don't stop like tonight for instance.. the tears are flowing like the Niagara falls. But I have decided after this post that I am no longer gonna talk about it..for reason within myself that I am not gonna share. Tomorrow morning I am gonna get on the horn and get me some drugs or whatever I need, no matter what the costs because I obviously am not able to deal with my issue myself.

I did go to my support group meeting the other night and it was very nice.. It was a much smaller group of people and you basically just did a round table talk about anything and everything. I did discuss my depression with them and they all were very supportive. I will continue with going to this meeting as it was very nice to meet people in a smaller group who have been there and done that.. It was comforting to talk to people about the surgery and the expectations of what you had before surgery and the reality of what really happens after the surgery.. The reality is the surgery drops weight but no matter how many people in the past who have said, " if only you would lose a few pounds"..... it doesn't drop the weight that you have carrying on shoulders and on your mind.. That is a much deeper issue and needs a totally different fix. Which I knew but I guess I did not know just how much until recently..and I pretty much hold everything in and not talk about things.

and gee to make a person feel even better about themselves I was online looking at the profiles of different men tonight.. On this site that I belong to whenever you look at someone it will tell that person that you looked, you then have the option of contacting them or not. Well I looked at this guy and decided he would not someone I would be interested in and moved on..no harm no Foul, so I thought.. I mean I did not contact him so I was not interested.. Would you believe the jerk emailed me and said " thanks but I am not interested in BIG women" Boy I wanted to email him back a piece of my mind but I just left it alone.. But it really kinda hurt, I know it should not matter as he is no one to me but because of my fragile mental state I am taking thing way more personal then I probably should... I mean here after I have lost 116lbs I am still BIG.. Boy if he would have seen me before.. And as you have probably guessed because I have not spoke of Jerry at all.. he has dumped me, after seeing him the last time and listening to all his sweet words to me, etc, etc... he apparently changed his mind within hours and I have not heard from him.. Another blow.. as I really liked him.. It, of course, has me questioning myself and what is wrong with me.. But as My cousin Michelle pointed out. I should not question what is wrong with me and question what is wrong with him..and for that matter what is wrong with any other man who treats women like that.. But I have to tell you I just don't get it..I don't understand how men can act one way, say things and then instantaneously change their mind. But I guess I need to just get past it, but being that mind is so screwed up right now it is hard to NOT dwell on it. And that I guess is all I have to say about that!!

Well I guess I am gonna stop writing now because the way I feeling I could just doom and gloom all night long and well I am guessing that no one wants to hear it anymore. So the next post will be strictly positive no matter how I feel...Maybe if I write positive I will think positive..