Depression

I have suffered with it on & off most of my life I think.. And I guess now is just no exception. I guess that is also why I have been pretty lax on my postings lately too. Just have not had the heart or ambition to write much about anything.. It has been coming on for awhile now and I have tried to fight it off but lately it has been winning the battle. I seriously am pretty much hating my life... no joke.. I really thought losing weight was gonna help me out and in many ways it really has yet in many ways my mind is still as fucked up as ever if not more in some areas.. I feel beat up, put down, let down, looked down upon, etc. etc. etc.. Nothing is ever right, nothing is ever good enough and certainly nothing ever can be simple..I have spent the last few days crying in silence and alone with the exception of yesterday, yesterday it became to much and I could not keep in under control until I got the help of Xanax. It is enough to make a person insane which is something I think I may be very close too.. well probably not but it sure seems that way. I really thought things would be a bit different by now.. including my love life.. I know things like that don;t happen over night but you know what.. I have been single my whole life, I watch people get married divorced and married again and yet here we go another holiday season and I am once again alone... Jerry whom I do really like, has is own issues right now So at this moment I am gonna back way off on that .. while I will continue to talk with him and see him once in awhile I think he needs to clear his own head and well I don't need his problems at the moment either. I really am just sick to death of being by myself all the time.. Sure I have friends, I have relatives but it is just not the same and I always end up being a 3rd wheel. and please no one tell me about it will happen someday, Mr right is out there because I just don't want to hear it..I have been patient and well I guess my patience has pretty much begun to run out and I am not just talking about the last few months I am talking about since friggin puberty..

What else can I rant about.. Lets talk about the economy, It friggin sucks. I am stressed to the max every month for bills and how to keep things paid, I really spend no money on myself as I really have none to spare for that. including the fact that I have very few clothes that fit (which is a good thing) but bad because wearing clothes that hang off you is not pleasing to the eye either. My hunting trips thank god cost me pretty much nothing as I went with others and the trips are probably what kept me from going off the deep end sooner.. lol

Even my animals have been giving me issues.. The friggin cat has all of a sudden decided that it doesn't want to use its liter box and has decided to piss on every friggin throw rug or loose clothing article, shoe or whatever that it finds on the floor. I have had to clean up that mess and smell which of course does not make me happy. I have now locked it in a large metal crate with its toys, litter box and bed to re-train her.. if that does not work then well.... anyone want a cat???because she will have to go.. or be the outside barn cat that she was supposed to be to begin with.

and well let see what else.. Oh today is weight day !!

I gained 1.5lbs.. But you know what that really does not bother me much at all. It will come off and if you have not guessed by now I am PMS'ing..

So I guess I am going to have to see about getting my Prozac refilled but who has money to go to the doctors for that.. and I am just gonna have to make more of an effort to pull myself up.. I have done it before and I will do it again.. I think I am gonna take $25.00 and spend it on myself and join the local gym.. I really need to go and maybe I can work off my frustrations. Also, my sister pointed out that maybe in the mornings I can focus more on hair and makeup (she mentioned clothes too but there really is not much I can do about that I do lurk at the resale shops but never seem to have too much luck..) Maybe fixing my hair better will give me a boost.

I guess I am done ranting for now. Sorry I am such a nut case..

It will get better..